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any woman. Shoes are more than mere footwear. They are an
expression of love, of want, of desire. They can tell you more
about a person's inner life than any other article of clothing on
her body. A good shoe can make your day, get you the job, win you
a spouse. Yes, the shoe is more than elemental protection, it is
karmic destiny. The soul of my sole will not be denied. Which is
why I just had to have one more pair of boots this season—in tan
suede, with fringes and sparkly studs. Hey there, cowboy.
I wasn't supposed to be Christmas shopping for
myself. There was a list in my purse for friends, family and
colleagues that I had been dutifully checking off for weeks, but
sometimes, you just know it when you see it. A quick glance,
followed by the slow turn, a gentle caress, a second perusal—then
you slip it on and you know you won't go home without it. It's the
beginning of a lasting affair. You pledge to honor the shoe's
season, bear with blisters or corns, in good weather or bad; you
will wear that shoe till leather do you part.
Women wear shoes like men wear cars. The shoe is a
substitute for the penisof the man a woman has just met or would
like to meet. That's right, a virtual schlong for your tootsy, a
one-eyed snake pump, a Johnson for your Murphy, a phallic symbol
of the automotive variety, and like its counterpart—it can need
expert custom repairs. Unlike penis envy, though, shoe envy is
public: There is a great deal of unabashed pointing, stroking,
oohing and ahhing, followed by the inevitable, "Where did you get
those shoes?"
I'm convinced many shoe styles were named after
someone's ex-love object. Think about it. There are pumps,
loafers, mules and clogs; moccasins, oxfords, slip-ons and
kilties. Ever dated a jogger? Dumped a wedge? Been seduced by a
slingback? Felled by a Birkenstock? Discovered to your grand
disappointment that your monk-strap was really a Mary Jane? Those
names are not coincidental.
Then there are boots. Sometimes necessary for
career or weather, sometimes just to make it look like you mean
business. Usually classified by height—ankle, mid-calf,
thigh-high—or by the way you get into them: zip-up, pull-on,
lace-up. They get their names from what you do in them:
combat, hiking, English riding, construction, motorcycle, logger,
cowboy. Frankly, that list sounds like a really rough date month.
And what on earth is 'urban sport,' anyway?
Manufacturers know women seek an alter ego affair
from their footwear. Slide into a shoe named Via Spaga, Luigi
Parone, or Franco Sarto and you'll feel immediately transported to
lubricious Italy, complete with vino rosso and sloe-eyed
gondolier. Show your wild side with shoes from Volatile, Grip,
Bastad or Turtle Fur. Join the in-crowd—if you can afford to—with
Manolo Blahnik, Edmundo Castillo, Siegerson Morrison, and Kenneth
Cole. Or just have fun saying your shoes are by Naked Feet,
Mootsie Tootsies, Rocket Dog or—for the wholesome—Okidoke.
Using the internet, shoe shopping has never been
easier. Why deal with parking hassles, or inept salesclerks who
sneak bites of onion-laced tuna sandwiches while searching tiny
backrooms, when you can enjoy unlimited choices and sizes from the
bunny-slippered comfort of your own home? You don't even need to
be dressed. Try a little Peg Bundy sexy at fredericks.com, or
flaunt your individuality with custom designs at customatix.com.
Play witch, gothic freak or hooker at extremecostumes.com. And if
you're one of those concerned about offending a calf, elk, snake
or crocodile, buy vegetarian at zappos.com.
Advertisers this holiday season are alert to the
female shoe gene. One touts the advantages of shoe shopping as
therapy. Another asks, "Don't you just love surprises?" and my
favorite claims, "You can't ever have enough!" (Apparently,
they've never phone-surveyed my husband.)
As much as I love shoe shopping, I can't imagine
buying a gift of shoes for my friends. It would be like dating
someone's boyfriend and then declaring he is perfect—for her. But
I do see great possibilities in a shoe warehouse gift certificate.
There is something absolutely erotic about all those long, neat
rows and the smell of new leather. If they softened the lighting,
mirrored the ceilings, and hired a few Chippendales to stock
shelves, well, I would definitely need a larger closet.
So, whether you are looking for the perfect
addition to your holiday outfit—or for the final flourish of
surrender when the holiday outfit lies crumpled and forgotten on
your new lover's fireside rug—be assured there is a shoe out there
for you. It might be a funky bowling shoe, a tall black sock boot,
or fancy shoes so bejeweled and sparkly, you run around town
looking for the perfect dress to complement them.
However you choose to decorate your feet this
holiday season, be assured, someone will notice. And while
friends, family and colleagues are pointing and oohing and aahing,
remember, if the shoe really is a substitute for the penis, don't
you deserve the best? After all, you never need the shoes.
You simply want them.
The Bata Shoe Museum in Toronto features a walk of
fame, with Marilyn Monroe's 1960 red leather pump, Elton John's
monogrammed silver and red platform boots from 1973, and Pablo
Picasso's pony-skin ankle boot from the Sixties. It also provides
fun shoe facts: People have been wearing shoes for 4500 years.
Imelda Marcos had 1500 pairs of shoes. There are eighteen muscles
in the human foot.…
Websites: shoebuy.com; zappos.com
(they even have a vegetarian category); shoesavenue.com (designer
footwear by Fendi, Prada, Gucci Camper and Miu Miu);
theshopforshoes.com (shoes from the UK, with currency converter);
sheepskinslippers.com (alpaca pete's); extremecostumes.com;
shoemall.com; footwearetc.com.
For one-stop shopping, just start at the
shoewebguide (tons of shoes with links to many of the above) and
shoe-shop, Efootwear; and customatix (you can design your own shoe
by combining your choices of colors, materials, graphics, and
logos). DSW Shoe warehouse has amazing clearance sales—80 percent
off price, then another 30 percent off at the register. Others are
Rack Room Shoes and Boot Barn. (LS)
